


Realization and Modification

by unknowableroom_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-09-04
Updated: 2010-09-04
Packaged: 2019-01-19 06:33:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,917
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12404964
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unknowableroom_archivist/pseuds/unknowableroom_archivist
Summary: At the end of sixth year, James realizes that something needs to change. One-shot, songfic to "Who I am Hates Who I've Been" by Relient K.





	Realization and Modification

**Author's Note:**

> Note from ChristyCorr, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Unknowable Room](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Unknowable_Room), a Harry Potter archive active from 2005-2016. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project after May 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Unknowable Room collection profile](http://www.archiveofourown.org/collections/unknowableroom).

**Disclaimer: All characters, locations, etc belong to J.K. Rowling.**  


There are a lot of different types of realizations. There are those that you feel coming on, where you know a change is on its way, and you’ll soon realize that things are wrong. There are those you’re shocked into realizing by a well-meaning friend who knows you’re in a bad place. There are those brought on by the harsh comment of an enemy, or the soft arrival of someone that you love. And then there are those that you never see coming, that you never realize are even a problem until some tiny, seemingly insignificant moment gives you a horrifying epiphany. 

Speaking from experience, the last type were the worst. 

  


As I walked along the platform, getting ready to board the Hogwarts Express for the beginning of my seventh year, I thought about my forced epiphany. And as I got on the train, thinking about the red-headed Head Girl who would probably be screaming at me in a matter of minutes, I couldn’t help but think back to the night I’d had that particular realization; the last night of sixth year had been host to a monumental moment for me.

  


I had been sitting in the common room with my three best friends, joking around and playing Exploding Snap. A sudden moment caused me to see the world through entirely new eyes. 

As we had sat there, playing Exploding Snap, a minuscule detail had changed everything. My friends were just screwing around, talking about their favorite subject: girls. I was never involved in these discussions; my fate in terms of women was already sealed. 

I was hopelessly in love with Lily Evans. I loved everything about her, her scent, her smile, her wit, her attitude, and even the sharp, snippy remarks that she always threw my way. I loved the fact that she didn’t let me push her over, that she didn’t follow my group around and try to slip us love potions. I loved the way she leaned over her cauldron when she stirred it and how she slipped her foot under her when she was nervous. There was nothing about her that I didn’t catch. 

And so, as I sat there, listening to my friends joke about Hannah Wayne and Milo Brown, I naturally glanced over at Lily.

She was sitting with her two best friends: Emmeline Vance and Mary McDonald. They had their heads together, brown and blond flanking that beautiful red. Feeling the pressure of my gaze, Lily looked up and around. Her eyes met mine, and my heart beat fast. The beautiful green latched onto me and I felt all of my protective walls crash around me. It was what Sirius had deemed “The Lily Response.” 

The Lily Response typically made me immune to what happened next. Lily narrowed her eyes into a glare, her face scrunched up with dislike. The glances of Emmeline and Mary followed Lily’s until they were looking at me as well. Emmeline’s glance was soft and friendly: I was her Quidditch captain. Mary’s glance was slightly harder: she didn’t know me like Emmeline did. All she knew was that I fought with Lily. 

Maybe it was the fact that it was the last night, our positioning the Common Room, the weather, I don’t know, but something was different that time. 

That time, The Lily Response did not do its job, because Lily’s gaze glanced down straight into my heart, and for the first time, I saw what everyone else had seen for years. 

Hatred. 

Lily was not faking distaste for me to cover up some hidden emotion; she really hated me. And until that moment, I had never seen it before.

As I sat there, realizing that the girl I loved truly loathed me, something inside me broke. I know most people wait until they’re dying for their life to flash before their eyes, but mine went by me just then. I saw every single thing that Lily and I had said to each other, the way we reacted, the way I spoke about her to my friends, and I realized something. 

Something needed to change. 

I couldn’t go on like this, letting Lily hate me. I didn’t want to continue being this person that antagonized people and picked on them and made other people dislike them. I didn’t want to be the super popular guy who girls fawned over and guys admired but no one save his closest friends really knew. That wasn’t me. And yet that was who I had become over the last two years. 

 

_I watched the proverbial sunrise, coming up over the pacific and,_

_You might think I’m losing my mind, but I will shy away from the specifics._

What had just happened to me? It felt like my whole world, whole normal had just been totally changed. In fact, it was kind of like being really drunk, only in a very sad way. 

I tried to keep my outer appearance the same, but there was no way that shock didn’t register in my eyes. Lily’s expression changed from hatred to surprise, and then quickly back to loathing before anything could show that she cared. 

 

_Cuz I don’t want you to know where I am._

_Cuz then you’ll see my heart in the saddest state it’s ever been._

_This is no place, to try and live my life._

There was going to have to be a change. This couldn’t continue. I didn’t want to be this person, and this wasn’t the person that Lily wanted. They say you shouldn’t change for someone you love, but what if that person’s right? What if the guy that Lily could fall for really was the better me? 

I thought back to all of the things I’d said, trying to think of what had pushed Lily to this point of true hostility. There was the time that I’d hired a bunch of Cupids to help me ask her out in the Great Hall. There were the millions of times that I’d tortured her in class, trying to get her to agree to just one date. 

But Lily had never hated me for any of that. And as I cast my mind into the past, I stumbled across the exact moment, I realized, when Lily had begun to hate me. 

 

_Stop right there! That’s exactly where I lost it._

_See that line? Where I never shoulda crossed it._

_Stop right there! Where I never should said that_

_It’s the very moment that I wish that I could take back._

It was at the end of fifth year, when we were messing with Snape just for the fun of it. I didn’t remember exactly what was said, but harsh words had been exchanged and Lily had stormed off. Looking back, I wondered how I had missed the change in our relationship at the time. The sudden coldness was piercing in memory, though obviously toned down enough by The Lily Response at the time. Now it all hit me, how horrible I had become to her since then. I saw myself for the first time in her eyes. And I hated what I saw. 

I saw the boy who sat up on his high horse, the Quidditch star. The guy acted like he knew he was better than everyone else, who teased others just for fun. The guy who everyone liked, and only I saw this part of. It was a boy with an over-bloated ego that needed a good popping. 

 

_I’m sorry for, the person I became._

_I’m sorry that, it took so long for me to change._

_I’m ready to, be sure I never become that way again._

_Cuz who I am, hates who I’ve been._

_Who I am hates who I’ve been._

  


Looking at the person for the first time, I knew I was never going back to the way I had been before. I was changing, had already changed, and this summer was my time to work on it. I was going to think about all that I had done and how I was going to be better, stronger, in the future. 

  


 

There was no denying that I had done that this summer. Though Sirius had been at my house the entire time, I hadn’t told him about what had happened. The changes in me were subtle, and not noticeable in my personality. 

 

_I talked to absolutely no one._

_Couldn’t keep to myself enough._

 

No, everything was in my thoughts. How I was going to be better. I had changed my way of thinking about people. I forced myself to stop searching for things to tease, to instead look inside them for the good in them. When Sirius made some comment about a hot girl at the beach, I forced him to go to talk to her and get to know her. 

Surprisingly, I felt amazing about it. Every time I did something nice for no reason or made one of my friends go talk to someone instead of making fun of them, I got a warm fuzzy feeling that I was just dying to share with someone. 

But the only person I wanted to tell hated me still. However, that would soon change. 

 

_And the things bottled inside had finally begun,_

_To create so much pressure that I’d soon blow up._

I was early; there was no one else in the Prefects cabin. They were all still visiting with their friends, only the Head boy and girl had to be there before the train left. Footfalls could be heard coming down the train toward the last compartment and there was only one person it could be: Lily.

_And I heard the reverberating footsteps,_

_Syncing up to the beating of my heart,_

Cue freak-out. What if this wasn’t what she wanted? What if I had misjudged the hatred in her eyes and it was really passion? What if she hated me more now? What if I needed to go back? I didn’t think that I could go back; I liked this new James far too much. I had changed of my own accord. But what if Lily didn’t want me this way either?

 

_And I was positive that unless I got myself together,_

_I would watch me fall apart._

No, no I had to calm down. There was no point in letting Lily know all that I had accomplished this summer. She would find out in her own due time; I had no reason to panic. She didn’t even know that I was Head Boy yet, as far as I knew. Unless Sirius had told her, which, quite frankly, I wouldn’t put past him. No, I definitely needed to calm down. Take a few deep breaths, that sort of thing. Freaking out was something old James would have done. He had something to hide. 

 

_And I can’t let that happen again._

_Cuz then you’ll see my heart in the saddest state it’s ever been._

_This is no place to try and live my life._

But as those footsteps came farther down the hallway, I couldn’t help but be afraid. My mind went back into the past, into all the things I had done. Lily had been right there, watching. There was no way she could get over that! What if she couldn’t move on? If only I could go back two years, live it all over again, do so many of those things differently. That was what I needed. I needed a do-over. 

 

_Stop right there! That’s exactly where I lost it._

_See that line? Where I never should crossed it._

_Stop right there! Where I never should said that._

_It’s the very moment that I wish that I could take back._

But do-overs are not a possibility in life. There was no going back. I just had to go forward and show Lily that I was different now. I had changed and I wasn’t going back. That was all I needed to do. I had to show her that I wasn’t fifteen anymore and that I was sorry for the person I had been. Simple. Easy. I liked it. 

 

_I’m sorry for, the person I became._

_I’m sorry that, it took so long for me to change._

_I’m ready to, be sure I never become that way again._

_Cuz who I am, hates who I’ve been,_

_Who I am hates who I’ve been._

Suddenly, I was shaken out of my reverie by the arrival of the very girl I was practically dying to speak to. The compartment door slipped open and Lily Evans made her way into the room. Then she noticed me and stopped dead.

“Potter?”

I smiled in a friendly way. “Hey Lily.” I crushed down The Lily Response and ignored the horrible feeling of fear building in my stomach. “Have a good summer?”

“What are you doing here?”

“What?” I asked. “Same thing you are, I’d imagine.”

No, no that was no good. No ambiguous responses. I had to give it to her straight and clear. “I’m Head Boy.” 

“You…” her face registered confusion, and I couldn’t help but notice how unbelievably beautiful she was when she blushed. “You’re Head Boy?”

I nodded. 

“They must be insane,” she muttered. 

“Believe me,” I told her, “I thought the same thing when I got it. But now I got over the shock.”

“Well,” she said, shaking her head, “if Dumbledore trusts you to be Head Boy, he’s either completely off his rocker, or you’ve changed. Those are the only possibilities, really.”

I’ve changed, Lily. I’ve changed, can’t you see that? Doesn’t this conversation attest to it? When was the last time we exchanged more than ten words without breaking into an argument? Can’t you tell that I’m different? 

I didn’t have a response, so I simply nodded. “How was hols?” I repeated the question, hoping for a reply this time, instead of a confrontation. 

Lily took that as her cue to sit, and swept herself across several chairs, stretching her legs out. “Long. Unbelievably long. My sister hates me, you know? It makes things around the house horribly awkward. Plus, she’s getting married soon and I had to deal with all of the decorations. I thought I was going to kill someone.” She lay back farther in the seat. “Thank Merlin it’s over.”

I nodded again turning toward the window, and the conversation slipped into silence. 

I couldn’t believe that she’d told me all of that. Her sister hated her? I doubted it. I don’t think anyone could hate Lily, at least not if they were sane. She never said a word to me about her family or her time at home before. Maybe this meant that she trusted me?

My heart soared. 

“Potter?” Lily’s voice rose up again.

“Yeah Lily?”

“Why are you being so nice to me?”

I looked at her, my head turning quickly. “What?”

“Well,” she replied, kneading her hands, her voice slightly muffled by her hair. “A year ago you wouldn’t have been able to say half of that without throwing out some arrogant comment. And you’ve never called me Lily before.”

I hadn’t? I always called her Lily in my head. But going back, I realized I had always called her Evans. How horrible of me.

I shrugged. “People change, Lily.”

She nodded. “Yes, yes I guess they do.” She looked very thoughtful. 

“What about you?” I asked, hoping that thoughtful face meant something good. “You never would have had this conversation without throwing out a couple insults. Why are you being so nice to me?”

“I guess…” she said. “I guess you’ve changed. You deserve a second chance. Or a millionth, maybe.”

Cue the bells. I got a second chance. Lily was giving me another shot, and this time I wasn’t going to screw it up. I wasn’t going back this time. 

 

_Who I am hates who I’ve been._

_And who I am will take the second chance you gave me._

_Who I am hates who I’ve been,_

_Cuz who I’ve been, only ever made me._

I thought about how much I had changed this summer, and I thought that this time it was going to work out. I wasn’t anything like that old guy, the guy who had been so horribly wrong for Lily. This time I wasn’t going to try so much, I was just going to let things happen and see where it went. This time I had a feeling; something special was going to happen. 

 

_So sorry for the person I became,_

_So sorry that, it took so long for me to change._

_I’m ready to, be sure I never become that way again._

_Cuz who I am hates who I’ve been._

And so as Lily and I sat there, throughout the train ride, I knew this year was going to be different. I had changed for the better, and Lily was going to give me another shot. It was obvious from our conversation that she had changed too. She was more open to new ideas, new people. Her voice was less harsh, even when she was yelling at the Slytherin Prefects for being late. Her eyes were always kind, even when she turned her gaze over my way, asking me to answer a question or take control. 

Yes, things were different this time around. And this time, it was going to work out. 

 

_Who I am hates who I’ve been._

 

 

 

 


End file.
